Hey guys, sorry I missed a post yesterday but this week got off to a busy start for me. Not a bad thing at all but I haven’t had a lot of down time to write.
In my last post I mentioned that I switched therapists last year. I saw a psychologist for the first time, against my will, when I was about 15 years old. I only went once and then I didn’t see a psychologist again until 2011. That time it was because Adam gave me an ultimatum. Truthfully, I needed the push to get help but I was also ready to go and wanted to receive help for my eating disorder(s).
I saw my therapist for about a year then I stopped going because I found running and I felt really good and happy. However, as anyone who has dealt with an eating disorder, depression, anxiety, or any other mental illness knows, you learn tools to cope but there’s not really a cure like there is for the flu or an upset stomach. Because of that I’ve gone back to therapy multiple times over the last few years.
This last psychologist I was working with I had been seeing weekly for almost two years. She was nice, I felt comfortable talking to her and thought our sessions were helpful. Until one night a few months ago I had a big (gigantic) breakdown. The kind where you’re crying so hard you can barely breathe but at the same time feel like you’re outside yourself looking in.
Once I calmed down I realized I was comfortable with my therapist but couldn’t say with certainty that I felt like I was making any progress with the issues I still face on a regular basis.
Don’t worry, I don’t b/p or do any dangerous things to myself anymore, I’m very much over that. However, in a lot of my sessions we still talked about that a lot. During and immediately after my breakdown I really wondered why we were still talking about that. I haven’t even had so much as a single desire to b/p in years now but I (still) have other issues like anxiety,
Maybe it was my fault for not guiding the conversations in a different direction, but also maybe that therapist was perfect for helping me at one point in my life and it was time to move on.
I spoke with a couple of other therapists over the phone and eventually found the psychologist that I’m now seeing. She and I talk about a broad range of things I deal with from body image issues to anxiety, situational depression, and the ways to cope with it all. (I didn’t even know what situation depression was.) I feel like this more well-rounded approach is helpful to me.
The factors that caused me to experience a lot of anxiety and the onset of situational depression are no longer factors in my life so that probably helps too.
I feel like I’m getting to a good place right now.
I guess before I sign off what I want to say is that even though I was dealing with a lot emotionally that isn’t to say that I wasn’t happy sometimes. I was pretty much always happy when I was home with Adam and Cecil, watching TV and just relaxing together at night. They are my rocks and I love them so much.
I almost didn’t want to talk about depression in this post because I didn’t want anyone to think I was faking my online personality last year. I wasn’t… although come to think of it, I do think I complained on the blog a lot last year. Adam said I complained a lot in real life too and was very quick to snap and that he often felt like he was walking on eggshells around me. I am sorry about that.
I think I’m complaining less these days? I’m looking forward to a much more uplifting 2018 and feeling good about it. Happy new year (again)!
Disclaimer: If you are currently dealing with an eating disorder, depression, etc. please note that while I wish I could help I am not equipped to give advice. I highly encourage you to seek professional help. If you email me for recovery advice I won’t be able to reply. However, if you have any questions about therapy I am happy to answer those questions with information based on my own experiences.